It’s been two years?

Where did the time go?

How has it possibly been two years since I walked into the hospital still pregnant and left with an empty womb and empty arms?

Life is not fair.

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Yesterday was a very long and somber day, it was gloomy and overcast in more than just the weather kind of way. I knew what today was bringing me and I knew I would not be able to handle what comes with life.. I needed mental preparation.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get very much time alone, time to think and just be with myself and my thoughts. Many would say this a good thing for someone with high-functioning depression, but for me, I need that on days when my first child is weighing heavily on my mind and heart.

Today, I am not sure I will get much time to really just immerse myself in my thoughts and heartbreak either.. I guess it comes with a busy lifestyle and a nearly 9 month old baby.

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Last night I cried myself to sleep holding my second baby, my rainbow baby, my sweet Adalyne. She was asleep so peacefully next to me and on the other side of her was my love, my partner, the father to my babies. It was just right in that moment to silently cry and cry, and then end up falling asleep.

I remember reading tons of blogs, articles, and posts about how it gets easier with time.. I wonder what these people are/were doing to feel such peace over time. It has been two years and I still feel the cold operating table that I laid on and had my lifeless baby taken from my womb. I still hear those words from my doctor telling me there was no heartbeat. I still feel the warm gone cold water from the bath I took my last night with my first child.

How does it get easier? When does it get easier?

I often wonder if I am ever going to be the same, or if I ever want to be. There is a friend of mine who often reminds me of the careless, wild-child, ruthless, combative, slang-mouthed individual I used to be, she wonders why I have changed. She, along with many others, simply do not understand that I changed because life just can’t be lived the same way once you feel loss and heartbreak like I have. There are more important things in this world than who pissed you off that day or why someone didn’t use their common sense one day and it inconvenienced you.

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Why is change such a bad thing?
Why can people no longer accept you once you’ve changed?
Why can’t people close to you learn to adapt and understand, for you?

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I am very humbled to announce that our first child no longer remains nameless, sorta.

Emerson Harley
09/2014 – 12/02/2014

Today, more than ever, I just want peace and support – for everyone suffering.

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