Nameless, sorta.

Last weekend, Luke and I watched “Heaven is For Real” and I nearly sunk into my dark place again.

If you haven’t seen it, I am about to ruin a small detail about the movie that proved the little boy had actually went to heaven.

When he went, Jesus took him to meet someone. Someone he had never met or known of. His older sister. When it came to him mentioning it to his mother, he said that his sister didn’t have a name to tell him because she wasn’t given one.

According to what I could gather from the movie depiction, his parents had a miscarriage and they didn’t know the sex of the baby so they actually didn’t give the baby a name.

That is where I lost it. I knew immediately when I saw the little girl hugging him in heaven that it was his sister – because of my experience, I obviously thought it was a miscarriage. But who knows, it could have been a baby in heaven for any number of reasons.

Then I questioned, she is grown, so maybe not? I have always been confused about what we are supposed to believe about heaven and what people look like when they go there, if they age or if they go back to a younger stage in their lives. In the movie, the little boy mentions meeting his father’s grandfather and that he was his younger self. But clearly his sister grew up in heaven? I still haven’t been able to gather how that works, I am curious though.

But what made me lose it the very most, the part that hurt me most of all, was that the little girl had no name. She lived all of those years, growing up in heaven, meeting family and friends that her parents knew, and wasn’t able to say, “my name is.”

While Luke and I call our baby “Angel Baby,” it doesn’t seem sufficient. It doesn’t seem like I am giving my baby enough. I want my baby to have a name. Oddly enough, I finally, after months of stewing over it and crying about it, told Luke that I would like to give our baby a name. We agreed that we should. Then we watched this movie, before deciding on a name.

Ouch. It hurt my heart.

As someone that doesn’t have much of a faith presence, what faith I do have has changed after watching this movie. I believe now more than ever that my baby is enjoying their life in heaven with family and friends of ours, I pray my baby knows my love and knows a name is coming.

 

I recommend the movie, but I recommend a box of tissues beside you.

Many thoughts, as always, to my fellow baby loss survivors. I am always thinking of you all. -xoxo, Robin.

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