What I never expected..

This post focuses on the following: Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Rainbow Baby, Post-Partum Depression, Post-Pregnancy Body Issues & Relationships

March 11th, 2016 at 9:46am (ET) we welcomed our Rainbow Baby, Adalyne, via c-section. She was beautiful and the most amazing thing I have ever laid my eyes upon. In that moment, I didn’t know what I ever did without her. My previous 25 years diminished, it was all a blur.

I knew I would be emotional, but I never expected to have PPD (post-partum depression) especially because I was so thankful to have Addy. I thought having her would make my PPD from the miscarriage magically disappear.. I felt guilty for feeling sad, for being emotional, and for having feelings of such tremendous love for her. Those times when I would stop and realize why I was sad, I realized it was because I was feeling guilty. I was guilty about feeling guilty, which led to feeling absolutely insane. I have lost my mind, what in the world?

I never shared my feelings with anyone, in the beginning. I cried in the brief moments I had alone in the bathroom, the random times when I could shower, and in the car rides when the baby was asleep and I wasn’t trying to soothe her and drive at the same time. When I went to my OB for my PP appointment, she asked how I was doing and gave me a little “quiz” for PPD evaluation. I lied to her, and on the paper. I didn’t want her to admit me to the psych-ward, I couldn’t be without Adalyne.. And I didn’t want to take medication that I was sure would make me crazy, and then Luke would leave me. (Yes, I realize how dramatic and probably ridiculous that sounds, but you lose yourself in those moments of pure fear and sadness.)

What I didn’t know was all of these fears about PPD and what would happen if I admitted to having it, made the fact that I did have it, worse. I knew I had it, I have had it since my miscarriage – but I have done a very good job at just ‘dealing with it’ myself. I refused to tell anyone, ask for help, or try to ‘get better’ – I have just dealt with it.

I eventually texted a friend about it, and I told her that I was just sad. But I wasn’t sure why, I just was. I love Adalyne so much. I miss my Angel Baby so much. I felt overwhelmed in my own heart. What an emotional rollercoaster! Thankfully, it has gotten easier, but I am still facing defeat when I think about being without Adalyne for any amount of time.

Adalyne is 3.5 months old now, and I still feel so overwhelmed with my need to protect her and keep her sheltered. I am scared when I am without her, I feel lonely when I am without her. I don’t like leaving her with anyone, but force myself to do so in order to provide her with what she needs, by working. I have anxiety attacks when I think about her staying overnight with anyone but me. I break out in a sweat when I think about being more than 20 miles away from her in the case of an emergency. From what I have read, this is another sign of PPD – but I disagree. This is what being a loving mother is, in my opinion.

Something I also never expected to feel was hate towards my post-pregnancy body. At now, 26 years old, I never expected that my body wouldn’t look good, that my body would be ruined by stretch marks and skin that lost its elasticity. When someone asks to hang out, I think for a moment and force myself to ignore my desire to say, “my gut already is.”

Why didn’t I read somewhere that there is the possibility of hating my body after I had the baby? Why didn’t someone tell me that my post-partum body might remind me of someone who just lost a massive amount of weight? I had a baby, I wasn’t obese… why must my body look like this now? Why must I suffer from PPD and this bullshit? At least if I looked good, I could continue to hide my PPD – now I am stuck with both. Fuck.

“Be proud of your mom-stripes!”
“You JUST had a baby!”
“They’ll fade. You’ll get a tight body again… just work out.”

Oh my gosh. Shut up already.

I am not proud of how I look. I am not proud of these tiger stripes. JUST because I had a baby doesn’t mean I should love how I look – why in the hell is that an excuse to love how I look now? False. And no kidding, captain obvious, of course working out will change my appearance… but do you think I am in the mood, or have the time to dedicate that into my insane schedule right now? No. No I do not.

Okay, maybe I am making excuses for why I should or shouldn’t do something to possibly “fix” my insecurities. Okay, no maybe’s, I am. But the reality is, I work too much, I take care of everyone but myself, and I am too busy doing all of that instead of worrying about actually doing something for myself. I have lost myself while taking care of others, something I think will just be what it is, until I find more time… Which let’s face it, isn’t going to happen, there will always only be 24 hours in a day.

Being a mom is hard. PPD is hard. Being strong for yourself and your family is hard.

Angel mommies, there really is so much to look forward to and so much happiness that comes from your Rainbow Baby – but don’t feel like a failure or that you’re alone in this fight! -XO.


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