It is amazing to realize that March 2016 is finally here and I am about to welcome my Rainbow baby into this world in ten days.
I remember thinking about this day when I was pregnant with my Angel.. it never seemed out of reach, it never came across my mind that I would never reach that day with him/her.. Miscarriage wasn’t real to me then. Stillbirth wasn’t real to me then.
Today, I am still very much afraid of history repeating itself. Except I can honestly say, if I gain another Angel, after 38+ weeks, I don’t know that I will be able to survive it. “Don’t think like that!” I hear in the back of my head from anyone reading this or anyone who I would speak those fears too.. but its real, miscarriage and stillbirth is still very much in my thoughts and everyday fears. Only someone who has experienced miscarriage or stillbirth can and would understand these fears – even for a woman nearly 38 weeks pregnant.
Adalyne Grace, will be her name. I am so terrified, excited, and honored to be so close to holding her outside of my womb. I wonder everyday if she will have my eyes or my hair. I wonder how I will be as a mother (a physical one – I know I became a mother the minute I found out I was pregnant in 2014). I fear that I will not be a good mother, which I know is normal for FTMs (first time moms).. I want so much for her, I want to be everything to her that I didn’t have growing up.. I want to be everything I wanted (and still want) from my parents, both bio parents and step parents.
I know in the beginning of my miscarriage survival, in my posts dated back to the end of 2014 and beginning of 2015, when I mentioned multiple times that I am so thankful for the man who has made me the happiest woman I never imagined I could be. Today, I am happy to say, that happiness and thankful attitude is still very much strong and alive. Luke has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. Why do I say that, before my children? Because without him, I wouldn’t have my children. I wouldn’t have a 14 year old breath of fresh air (his daughter). I wouldn’t be the mother to an Angel baby. I wouldn’t be nearly 38 weeks pregnant with Adalyne. I wouldn’t have what I have today without him.. So, for that, he is my everything and I couldn’t be happier to admit that.
Today, I just want to wish everyone a healing day and happiness. I am living proof that through our darkest days, there is sunshine somewhere. Despite my daily struggles with the loss of my first baby, I deserve to continue my journey and encourage others to do the same. My miscarriage was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life, and I will never ever be healed completely, but I am okay with that. I will never be “over it,” and I will never allow myself to take my Rainbow baby for granted.. my story will always include two biological children.
Happy March, Happy Tuesday, Happy Today… to everyone ❤