I find myself looking through my old posts and feel the tears streaming down my cheeks as I think about how old you would be. If born on your due date, June 9th, you would be 6 months and 6 days old today.
I wonder if you were a boy or girl, you passed away before I ever had the chance to know. I regret not having a blood test early to find out. I still want to know, I want to give you a name.. “Angel Baby” just doesn’t do you justice. You were more than just a baby to me. You were my everything, you ARE my everything.
You taught me more than anything or anyone ever taught me in my first 24 years of life before you. You brought more happiness and light into my life than I ever could have imagined possible.. and I never even got to see your face outside of my womb.
I never got to feel your kicks, hiccups, punches, swooshing, or inability to move around just before being born into the world.. but I awaited it like it was going to happen at any moment. I never got to hear your cry or coos, but I wanted too. I will never know if you would have your daddy’s feet, my hair, or our blue eyes.. but I still like to imagine you would have all of the above.
I still cry, more often than not.
I still dream about you, more often than not.
I still wonder if I am living a dream, waiting to wake up at anytime to you being with me still.
Life will never be the same. I will never be the same.
But, its because of you.. because you made me a mother.. because you taught me love and heartbreak like no one ever will.
To my Angel Baby,
Mommy loves you. Today. Tomorrow. And everyday. Always.
I wish you were here.